Woman for Warlord (Oct. 29/08)

I couldn’t resist after reading and getting a good laugh from “The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Warlord” to think just how much different that list would be if the warlord was woman. Here’s my feminine touch on it:


1. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through, if you just happen to be a male mercenary the size of Hercules. For any female ones trying to assassinate me they can have fun getting through the dust and filth up there (while dusting it with their skirts) before my faithful hellhound that roams about finds and deals with them on leaving it.

2. My noble half-sister whose throne I usurped will be kept alive, just put on a planet no one else has ventured to yet. Never know when I might need her again to inquire about where my borrowed shoes are.

3. Shooting is not too good for my enemies particularly if they’re badly dressed.

4. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my bra. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. If it doesn’t fit then implants are now on the to-do list.

5. I will gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them. Isn’t that the whole point?

6. After I kidnap the handsome prince, we will be married in a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. What good is a handsome prince to me if not to show off where everyone will be present?

7. I will interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — like hell I’m getting dolled-up to travel with scrubs to interrogate them in some mucky, forgotten place.

8. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. My youngster misses nothing, even in a detailed plan of taking over the world.

9. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request unless he’s drop-dead gorgeous and looks like an ex of mine.

10. I would likely end up uttering the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know” particularly if I suspect one of the women loyal to me having a relationship with them. Best to avoid the crazy loose ends of killing a lover.

11. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice provided they completely agree with me first.

12. I will hire a talented fashion designers to create original uniforms for my armies. Appearance is everything and looking like the bold Roman soldiers or sexy-wild like the Mongol hordes totally works for me.

13. No matter how well it would perform, I would totally construct a sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. It’s the modern age–having the best toy is like having the perfect handbag. But the idea of my Palm not having a reset button is just too terrifying.

14. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber, unless he’s a celebrity. They follow different rules.

15. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. It would be completely portable though, one must show off.

16. I will dress in tight and sexy leather, to throw my enemies into confusion both male and female alike.

17. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by and women exist for flattery.

18. I will not turn into a dragon. Like hell I’m messing up my perfect hair and nails.

19. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the front nor seek out the other leader. The other warlord already lost as he likes me and not his pin-up princess from fairytale land.

20. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with gay waiters who will provide no unexpected reinforcement for the hero or his sidekick. They’re not that brave to ask for help.

21. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will never use it. People fear most what they don’t know. Most mothers know this tactic on kids.

22. I will not bother to keep a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the handsome rebel and he claims he is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray his companions if I just let him in on my plans. Men are just so gullible and easy to work with.

23. I will only employ bounty hunters completely in love with me. It’s just so much cheaper that way.

24. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM, but not Macs. I’ve yet to see some hacker make a mess of my mine.

25. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will make one of my kids read me the manual.

26. I will not see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. All women are a given crazy in one sense or another and are better off not reminded of that fact. I’ll use the time to get a facial instead.

27. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. One must ninja that piece of cake from the fridge without getting caught and ending up on the front of all the tabloids, somehow.

28. I will agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win. After the contest target-kills off his comrades and only the main, handsome hero escapes alive, I will have him all to myself.

29. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will not wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. They’ll conveniently end up killing each other before they turn their weapons on a woman, anyways.

30. I will completely ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. The world can end before I miss what the hunk said in my favorite Soap Opera.

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